Looking back...

Crazy turn of events over the last many months... actions and choices. 

 Looking back, the theme of my life seems to be abandonment.. self-indulgence, and not taking responsibility for others. 

 After 20 years, I was suddenly struck by the realization of the first instance of abandonment I committed... 

You bring the baby to this world and I will go make some money I said. A decision that seemed logical... decisions taken in-spite of doubt, no real feelings... the ups and downs, the concern and the bitterness... 

The soul mate that I mistreated.... Am I repeating the same pattern one more time? The hurt and the hopeful... and the ignorant or the ignoring... 

This post till the above lines was in draft mode for many years (maybe 5 years). Now, on another "father's day" 6 years later, I still find myself thinking about the same issue of abandonment or being an absentee father.

Not being a half-decent father for my child is still my regret #1. I still have not figured out how to fix the damage. Maybe it has only gone worse. There is near zero communication.

 A dear friend has been insisting that I confront this soon, and yes I must do it before she leaves the house to start her own family.. Not for me but for her mental peace and closure. Hopefully, it will help her get rid of anger and bitterness and look at life positively in the future.

This is the COVID 19 year and I know something bad can happen at any time. I can't be hesitant to deal with this issue anymore. I must act soon...

Apart from this, in the last 5 years, I have quietly battled depression, fended off successfully. I still have lows that freeze me. I still have days when I struggle to focus and get going... Sometimes I am too tired to pretend .. but it was easier when I was on the road. When at home I must hide the turmoil within. I have lost some more good people in my life. I inadvertently missed on demonstrating empathy in time... I was just preoccupied and a bit in a mental haze... It was taken as a huge insult to the relation. I understand this person's point of view. No excuses.

 Once again I had failed to think and act with empathy... Can't expect different outcomes.