Looking back...

Crazy turn of events over the last many months... actions and choices. 

 Looking back, the theme of my life seems to be abandonment.. self-indulgence, and not taking responsibility for others. 

 After 20 years, I was suddenly struck by the realization of the first instance of abandonment I committed... 

You bring the baby to this world and I will go make some money I said. A decision that seemed logical... decisions taken in-spite of doubt, no real feelings... the ups and downs, the concern and the bitterness... 

The soul mate that I mistreated.... Am I repeating the same pattern one more time? The hurt and the hopeful... and the ignorant or the ignoring... 

This post till the above lines was in draft mode for many years (maybe 5 years). Now, on another "father's day" 6 years later, I still find myself thinking about the same issue of abandonment or being an absentee father.

Not being a half-decent father for my child is still my regret #1. I still have not figured out how to fix the damage. Maybe it has only gone worse. There is near zero communication.

 A dear friend has been insisting that I confront this soon, and yes I must do it before she leaves the house to start her own family.. Not for me but for her mental peace and closure. Hopefully, it will help her get rid of anger and bitterness and look at life positively in the future.

This is the COVID 19 year and I know something bad can happen at any time. I can't be hesitant to deal with this issue anymore. I must act soon...

Apart from this, in the last 5 years, I have quietly battled depression, fended off successfully. I still have lows that freeze me. I still have days when I struggle to focus and get going... Sometimes I am too tired to pretend .. but it was easier when I was on the road. When at home I must hide the turmoil within. I have lost some more good people in my life. I inadvertently missed on demonstrating empathy in time... I was just preoccupied and a bit in a mental haze... It was taken as a huge insult to the relation. I understand this person's point of view. No excuses.

 Once again I had failed to think and act with empathy... Can't expect different outcomes.

Attack on Mumbai 11/26

Not that the innovative human mind will have a derth of parameters to devide the society on, but I liked the following comment on a NewsWeek article a LOT!

Chuck Gaffney
November 26, 2008 04:22 PM
I have said this a few times and I'll say it again; Trying to convince others that your imaginary friend in the sky is less fake than other people's imaginary friend in the sky has been a bane on human progression and world peace. Humanity needs to grow up in this day and age and realize that it is THIS life that we are in and not some supposed second one. Religious fundamentalism is a pathetic flaw in the weak-minded, easily-controlled psyche of many people. We are just observing yet another pathetic act from the Islamic part of this greater evil.

Scientific Discovery AKA Question Everything

Here's a forward that explains it soooo well!!! :)

The "Higher being!

Happened to find http://disbeliefnet.com/ while browsing some trailers on the apple site...

It seems to be full of irreverence without any intense emotions.... Now the reason behind the title - The "higher" being, is in my mind actually more useful only when one can use it sell it's "support" to the consumers... end result "Peace of mind" and "sense of invincibility - Cause the big guy is with ME!" .... on hire :)

Recently when I chanced upon a news article which talked about "Acedemic not believing in the higher power", as always, I used it to finger some belivers and got the obvious defensive reactions! I have done this for a long long time, show disrespect to non existent powers, (only in front of my friends during late teens and early 20's...). As I started understanding the reasoning and the reality behind the Godism as I was growing up, I was also perplexed by other NOT following the same thought process. Especialy surprising were the brilliant guys who used to score better grades, were doing their highr studies in Science and obviously deeply rooted in unsubstantiated beliefs and rituals!!! Few years down the line I realized even though people develop their "job skills", rarely do they apply the rational thinking to the "belief systems", partly becasue of the need for the crutches that they are so used to?

And the point is???? I don't finger those poor souls that much any more! Ain't I evolving!

Right to information

Libraries categorize books as "fiction" vs. "non-fiction".

Can we have a Regulation that forces media / news agencies to do the same? Basically make people publish & validate the facts on regular basis. From all our common sources of information on things that matter (newspaper, radio, TV) what we get is someone's view of an event. Sometimes totally contradictory pieces in the same publication...

Take a look at Times of India in recent times....

• Bush blames India and China for the food crisis
• Bush talks about prosperity in India and China (which he says is good!) driving higher demand for food across the world

Two views on the same news. But first one appeared a number of time in the same issue in various sub-sections or suppliments.

So what is the role of a "newspaper"? Does "news" equate with "senstional breaking news" that should only "entertain" or does it also mean that one "gets the facts and can form his own opinion"?

Can there be a way of tying up the "right to information" act with the common sources of information?

Let people vote on what is most important to them and have the government release a "status report" on regular basis AND mandate the top 3 newspapers to give some free space to publish the same....

Dear Indians,

Choose from the following topics that you want to know more about...

• How many movies released last 3 years have the protogonist consume alchohol?
• What are the specific actions the Health Minister has initiatied to expand availability of basic medical facilities across the country? How often does he review the progress?

Make the top 3 dailies & news channels report updates on this on regular basis.

Like a sports page, page 3, editorials, why can't we have a "State of the nation" page?

Deserve before desire

"Deserve before you desire..." I saw this line on a PPT somewhere, later was told that it was by a Sr Executive with huge Indian business house....

Anyway, not here to discuss the source... Focus on the message now. Does anyone believe in this anymore?

In the last 10 years there seems to be a huge increase in "I want it all and I want it now" attitude.

Not everyone has the capabilities to "earn" the buying power for "IWA & IWIN". So, take risks!!! In career, rush thru to the next level of designation without delivering output over a consistent period of time. So at some point we have a many Leaders who lack the in-depth understanding / exposure to the demands of the role, not really reached the skills, experience, emotional maturity & control required to fulfill the requirements... Overall degradation of output / ineffciencies.

In investments, everyone expects more fools to follow after them... Obviously the "investments" themselves (public listed companies) have a pressure of meeting the "growth" targets. So, short term decisions with the street as the only important stakeholder is a norm? Higher revenues / short term "bookings" at the cost of not fulfilling the promises? How many care about building operational efficiencies and delivering value to the customer who has PAID ALREADY? Unless a customer has further "billings" potential, it's a done deal - history. Gotta find new markets, kill the competion, close the deals; revenue recognition. Sell, sell, sell, promise, promise, promise... deliver? ooops. "we will fix it soon - buy the upgrade". More ineffciency added to the world!

Maybe the need of the hour is to discourage "desires" that one has not earned but gurantee a level of living for minimum efforts to prevent social unrest (sounds like communism? don't mean it that way); and reward "efficiency" (not just growth) with "luxaries" in life.... Make it very exclusive!

Turn the concept of government around for a second.... instead of "of the people, by the people, for the people", treat it as a espcialized service which exists to "govern" well. Choose the experts, make them responsible for rewarding "excellence" in governance... Fallout of this is, allow entiites to run the world using competence a yardstick and not number of "supporters" they garnered! Democracy / socialism and meritocracy don't go hand in hand! But that's another subject?

Then again...

Is "Matrix" the future? Brains plugged into a big system, living their life in a virtual world, sensing things directly thru the brain waves? Are those real emotions or simulated?

Then again, what is REAL?The colors? the sounds? don't different species feel differently? If my sense of hearing, speech can be enahanced by using a cell phone, why not vision? why not emotions? why live the real life? Cause SOMEONE will have to keep the virtual systems working.

Are those people "backward" cause they are not living in the digital world?Then again, what defines progress?Is it the same for everyone? Can each person have his/her set of definitions of "progress"? Do you really have to measure your own life as per the GAP - Generally Accepted Perceptions? Maybe you are a loner and don't want to "belong" and you don't give a rat's arse.

Then again, aren't emotional bindings and sense of "belonging" overrated?It sounds to me like "slavery", where one is living as per external expectations and not on his own free will. What's wrong if we were to live like animals? Not naked!... but carefree... One day at a time... Where strongest and smartest ARE the survivers.